


Inevitable Asymmetrical Balance

by In_Hind_Sight



Series: Prompt Fills [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Heavy Angst, M/M, Marriage, Mentions of Cancer, Older Eren Yeager, Older Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Prompt Fic, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Smoking, Unhealthy Relationships, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 14:38:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14287086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_Hind_Sight/pseuds/In_Hind_Sight
Summary: Marriage is joyous occasion. One Eren had never centred his life around but looked forward to it nonetheless. But the uncommon truth is annulment has and will never symbolize a "happily ever after" and those who failed to take that in mind know the imbalance.Love is not the Romance Novel it's always been made out to be.Written for Valentine's Day 2018





	Inevitable Asymmetrical Balance

_"I think of you whenever I get a whiff of that cigarette smell."_  
_-Nate Feurchstein (How Could You Leave Us?)_  
  


Love, the kind often associated with marriage has changed quite drastically since older times. Where a man was afforded a wife (and only one of feminine gender) by the weight of coins in his pockets. That day and age where the wealth of somebody's son often outweighed her want (if she even cared) of a marriage bonded by love. 

But it's different now. Today, in the youth of the twentieth century, both spouses are now afforded more equal rights and non-heterosexual relationships have finally been gaining lead on a long lasting, long awaited battle.

However, like everything else in the world, it lacks perfection and not every aspect is on a steady slope upwards. These important details only seeming to become worse as time ominously stretches on.

Divorce, once fiercely looked down upon -nearly as much as homosexuality had been-, happens in this generation nearly as often as the release of another unnecessary sequel that Hollywood chooses to produce. It's become painfully obvious that most are failing to realize that 'till death do us part' includes more than just it's literal meaning.

In fact, thirty to forty percent of the marriages celebrated in North America often end up in divorce rather than the promised departure of death. This adding to the census that most never reach past that 25th mark.

When Eren took Levi's hand in marriage, he knew these facts.

Reciting their vows, signing those official papers, walking down that aisle hand in hand. It was crystal clear to the eyes of any onlooker that they deeply loved eachother and were well on their way to experience a prosperous life together.

Then there came an uninvited question.

A year into their happy annulement, he had been sitting at home, staring out the quickly dimming sky when the insistent inquiry had decided to show it's dark shadowed face for the first time-

Which one of them loved the other more?

Eren had only wondered when this "concern" would, decide to show up at the doorstep of his mind. He'd heard of some married couples also coming to face this argument and often being to shadowed by doubt from it's interrogation that their marriage failed to survive by the end of its emotionally-draining interview.

Either way, Eren had been dead set on the notion that it surely was him.

How could it not? After all, he had been the one to adopt and adapt his husband's surname; Ackerman. His birthname,Yeager becoming a past recollection of himself (all in all, he refused to refer to it as his 'maiden' name). He imagines Levi might've done it if Eren was averse enough to the idea of losing the family title he'd been born into. But he hadn't. In contrast, he jumped at the idea- thriving on the fact that Levi would be taking him into his _own_ family through accepting his fiance's last name.

Another more obvious clue to this was that Eren always hung on to his lover rather than vice versa. Always seeking attention. It was no surprise that the majority of affections shared between the two of them were initiated by Eren himself (although Levi would have his fair share of sweet moments).

Nonetheless, even with the previous statements Eren showed absolutely no bitterness at the thought of their love being a _teensy_ bit lopsided as he was completely happy with how they were at the time.

The next time the question popped up, Eren wasn't so  nonchalant about it.

He can't remember what year into their marriage it had been all that had been certain was that it was still a ways away from their twenty-fifth. He looked upon the question with a bit more malice this time, seeing the asymmetricality of their love being more than just a little lop-sided but in a weighed down see-saw of unbalance.

It would be a huge understatement if he'd said they'd been going through a bit of a tough time.

Levi's line of work had suffered a decline of workers, making funds and his income significantly decreased. Money was tight at those times and luxuries had become a rarity. Levi was still employed but he hung by a thin thread, one that didn't promise to last long. Sure they could still afford the necessities like food, water, electricity and otherwise. But when the moment arose that they couldn't afford to supply their friends or family with a suitable gift- or any for that matter was what made Eren realize that the deep abyss of their troubles were only beginning.

Their relationship toppled, stress levels were high and the days they slept together in the same bed didn't remain on it's 24/7 schedule like it was supposed to be.

When Levi began smoking in a higher quantity than usual it was than that Eren fully understood that question in all it's depth and agony.

Eren would never understand the dimly lit minds of people holding interest specifically in a lover who showed a fondness for the smoke. Everytime he'd hear a semblance of the belief that a man or woman holding a burning cigarette between chapped lips being attractive, he'd get the sickening urge to vomit.

Being a witness nearly killed as much being the addict.

Waking up at odd hours of the night to your insomniac husband setting off the fire alarm from his late night smoke,being unable to smell the scent of the candle your mother gifted to you without the smell of nicotine marring the air. It was an aspect Eren did not find attractive in the least.

But this strange habit wasn't one that just all of a sudden arose out of the blue.

Even before their dilemma with money, Levi had picked up the awful habit of taking up a cigarette on occasion. It wasn't until a little bit into their marriage that Levi gradually lessened the time he succumbed himself to the nicotine, so much so that Eren nearly believed Levi would truly quit.

But all seemed to be an empty hope when Levi had gone from an occasional smoker to heavy smoker nearly as quickly as the setting sun. Eren had begun to think that through all the love he'd tried to give wasn't enough for Levi. If as soon as their marriage was put into jeopardy his husband would wholeheartedly give himself to the nicotine. Eren couldn't be blamed when the doubt settled in. When he reached the conclusion that the cigarettes were more important than him. 

He tried to use the fact that he harboured more love for his significant other to his advantage, thinking it was just an inevitable thing that happened. After all, very few things in life were truly equal.

He had been hoping- praying that it was enough to bring Levi away from the drug that was slowly tearing apart the marriage they'd worked so hard to build.

He showed affection ten-fold, most attempts often being met with minor annoyance. The decreasing kisses they shared tasted bitter with their lace of tobacco and most were hardly accepted. Even with his desperate -but successful- offers of sex. The aftermath of the lustful encounter was often counterproductively followed by a cursed cigarette between Levi's lips. Whether he was satisfied or not.

Eren can't remember how long it had been since the seams in their relationship first tore open. All he knew was that it was just splitting wider and wider. Developing into and endless cycle that showed no promise of stopping.

Noone saw it coming when Eren began coughing.

It wasn't an awkward cough (like he usual emitted) nor was it one that was caught by the common cold. The sound of it was more like he was hacking his lungs out in the most awful dry heave.

As the days grew drearier, it only got worse.

Not only was his ugly cough now a daily occurrence -that still had yet to be adapted too- but it was now joined by the upheaval of blood. Which was then followed by the phantom loss of his usually remarkable appetite which lead to him losing a significant amount of weight.

It was then, on a Friday night, when Eren choked up a disgusting volume of blood on their once pristine kitchen floor, spraying the tiles a wicked crimson red; that Levi, mid-cigarette, took him to the doctor's.

Eren was diagnosed with Lung cancer.

Due to a heavy intake of second-hand smoke inhalation.

Eren remembers seeing how Levi fell to his knees right in front of their doctor when that fateful announcement was made. Eren clearly saw the reflections of emotions passing over his cloudy, gunmetal eyes. The painful guilt and regret was apparent.

Eren just sobbed. Cried his eyes out for so long after that. Levi could no longer look at him without an incredibly guilty expression gracing his features. How could he have done this?

Already a bit too late, was it that Levi decided to finally quit smoking. Only getting his fix for the suffocating drug outside, far, far away from their house at the end of their driveway. Quitting was an entirely different task in itself and was never an easy burden to accomplish, much less alone.

But just like Eren's attempts to get Levi to stop his nasty habit the first time, even Levi knew it was fruitless. Even if he quit that night and dropped every desire for the tobacco it wouldn't make the slightest difference, the damage had already been done. It was estimated that Eren had a maximum of 6 years to live.

Somehow, by some source of light; Eren was healthy enough to take chemotherapy. While this gave them a glimmering ray of hope it was no  consolation to Eren when he started to see his hair gradually fade away. It got harder for him to look in the mirror as the days went by, much less at Levi who had only begun paying attention to him once he got sick (a fact that did no good for his depression). With a dark approach, Eren often wondered that if he'd never gotten sick, if Levi would have even considered his feelings in the first place.

There were times where everything lashed out of Eren and they started to fight more often, something he was more used to doing, wondering why he'd ever tried to be different. Keeping quiet about his emotions and the like was never really him in the first place.

Eren felt his feelings of love for Levi, once strong and flourishing, slowly wither. As the cancer gradually and inevitably got worse, their hospital bill piled up. 

Thus an unwelcome question knocked on the door of Eren's mind.

With Eren constantly going through surgery, he was always accompanied by an agonizing pain and found himself entering a state of numbness. He didn't want to live like this anymore, always in pain, always aching. He found himself unable to go back to that time where he loved Levi enough to be perfectly fine with their asymmetrical balance, much less love him entirely.

Eren had never had a cigarette in his life but he couldn't help but compare these symptoms to withdrawal.

Of course, he did not blame Levi for any of what was happening, the older man was already doing that himself. However, with every other emotion blurring his damaged thoughts, he found it hard to love the man who he'd failed to coerce out of his addiction. It was hard to forgive him when the better hadn't happened.

But then there was Levi.

When Eren lost every single strand of his gorgeous chocolate hair and grew a sickly, pasty, white; Levi never failed to look at him like he was still as beautiful as the day he married him, and told him as such. Levi still kissed him as he always had, still would stare and touch him as if he were made of porcelain.

There was also the rare moments where Levi would cry. Granted not very often since he wasn't a crier to begin with, but more than Eren had seen him do throughout the entire time he'd known him.

So when that question came up again, through the hazy fog of Eren's chemo, Eren knew that this time around, it must be Levi who loves him more. Surely with the man's sudden change of heart on the drug Eren had once believed was more council to Levi than he would ever be. Not to mention Levi's unwithering opinion on how his face and body looked regardless of their obvious changes.

It happened during a nasty bout of coughing one day.

When Eren collapsed to the floor, he felt everything finally fall apart shaking the world around him. Every ounce of happiness just drained from him, he couldn't find the strength or mere will to stand and he was helpless to the inevitablity of everything that was naively ignored. He had no power to do anything but let the ground slip out from underneath him, he was more than ready to give up, this marriage, himself, everything in-between the black and white of his life.

Levi rushed to his side, wanting to assist his husband saying he had to get up. 

He mustn't have realized words were falling on deaf ears.

Vivid, are Eren's memories on how he'd shoved Levi, screaming at his husband on how it didn't matter anymore. He was just going to die anyways, there was no point- all he wanted was it to just stop. To fall into an endless, painless, black abyss that he'd never return from.

The expression Levi wore on his face,will always forever be transfixed into Eren's memory.

His eyes were brimming with emotion, clearly Eren's words broke Levi's heart. No acts of verbal communication were exchanged, but even with that, through that look Eren knew he was begging him- _Please... don't_.

Through the mist of his tears, Eren could still see the desperation in gunmetal eyes of a soldier who was also fighting a losing battle. That familiar plea that he'd do anything for Eren if he just _wouldn't_.

It was a reflection that Eren could see mirrored back to himself. One that had been hidden beneath the surface ever since he'd put this insipid thought in his mind to give up on Levi, on himself.

Those irises managed to take him back, all the way to when the tables had been turned and Levi had been the one barely holding on precariously to the cliff's edge. Even through his addiction with tobacco and his cold, unrelenting demeanor Eren still without a doubt would've done anything for him in a heartbeat. Anything but have his husband give up on himself. This was when Eren was desperate and pining enough that it didn't matter if their love was lopsided- as long as it was there, still beating and still breathing. Alive.

Eren had taken that gaze for granted.

So when he reached up to Levi, still kneeling from where he'd fallen on the floor with his arms outstretched, begging for his assistance Levi didn't hesitate in joining him and wrapping Eren up in his arms. Even though it was Eren that was dying, Levi was the one who hung onto him like a lifeline. Through their crying and understanding, Eren began to wonder if this love was even imbalanced to begin with and that the only issue may have just been the both of them struggling to catch their breath.

Nontheless, Eren knew that no matter how the circumstances played out, that they'd breath at the same pace throughout it and together.

_

Everything is bright; the light nearly but not quite blinding to his sensitive eyes. He feels light, almost a sort-of of freedom as his once damaged lungs take in oxygen.

It's a lovely morning.

Out on their patio, very well past their twenty-fifth year together, Eren slumps against Levi. Their marriage anything but imbalanced as he'd once blamed it to be.

The question still came up at times. But Eren no longer looks at it as friend or foe but moreso as a visitor, a reminder. Pushing details aside, he'd uncovered the answer to the inquiry a long time ago the events that unfurled so long ago seeming to be written straight from a novel whether then a recollection of his life.

Being married for so long,Eren finds himself wondering how he ever survived being in a relationship without the insight.

Fretting over who loves the other more is a fruitless thing. Nobody appreciates being told by a significant other that they're the one who's loved (even if it's a fraction) less than the other, neither would they want to be pressured with the guilt of not returning there feelings as strongly as the other. Reciting lines like 'No, I love you more' is a thing made for cliche novels and films. In addition to that, Eren would rather they remain in their made up fairy tales. Eren is fine with the reality of it all if it means the opportunity to write his own love story.

Marriage never was or _has_ been about long life or plentiful riches or good looks. It was always about being with the the other as long as they both shall live, through sickness or in health. Whether someone loved the other more or not was a given, to get through their marriage right to the twenty fifth mark and beyond it always would be equal. 

It wasn't only until after their time of trial that Eren had realized he had never lessened or diminished his feelings for Levi. Instead, they had flown to a place where it became difficult to see them, much like when birds migrated, when the cold winters and trauma came, they flew south but as soon as the flowers bloomed they were back as if nothing had happened. Eren only wishes he'd endured the blizzard more than he had.

Amusingly enough, Eren suspected that he had never even loved Levi more in the first place, not only was Levi just less obvious but he imagined his lack of confidence played a starring role. This truth only being brought to light Eren when he had fallen sick and Levi had placed his feelings right in the open for Eren to see.

The series of events had tilted dangerously close in tearing them apart but despite the contrary had only aided in making them stronger. Figuratively or literally both of them survived, although strenuous, if Eren had the choice he wouldn't hesitate in going through it all again if it provided the same exact outcome.

He feels Levi shift beside him as he yawns. Eren breathes a laugh at this,instinctually resting his head to lean against his partner.

"Tired, sweetheart?"

Levi's brow creases, "What d'ya think? I'm getting old as hell."

Eren smiles, still vibrant eyes crinkling around the corners, "Love, you don't look a day over 80."

"Watch it ya old bat, I ain't that old yet."

Eren reaches for his hand, "I was joking." he says softly.

Levi huffs, "Yeah, yeah. Now pass me my cane darling, I wanna stretch these ancient bones."

Eren smiles at this, doing as his husband requests and helping him up before getting himself situated accordingly.

"For the record, I think the grey hair makes you all the more handsome."

"Wish I could say the same for you if ya didn't stop dyein' it and accept the fact that you're not gonna get any younger."

"Whatever." Eren brushed off childishly, reaching for Levi's free hand.

Sure their marriage had been filled with steep obstacles and numbing trials. But while it wasn't smooth sailling all the way through it hadn't been the end of the world. To always expect perfection in a relationship and not receiving it is what Eren suspected to be the cause of why most marriages today remained false. After all, in the modern world with so many examples from the media and likewise to compare your life to it was easy to become greedy or jealous of the things you couldn't reach.

Playfully swinging their intertwined hands Eren now accepts that his past self had been at least one of those or both. But just like his last name, those memories are things that are stored for safe-keeping and cherished.

 Soon, Levi and Eren's grandchildren will come for their annual visit, probably wearing beaming grins on their young faces, wanting to express to their beloved grandparents about how their Valentines' Day was. Not to mention asking a dozen more questions of their own, of which Eren cannot wait to answer.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was originally a prompt created for Valentine's Day, it was posted on the correct date but if you've read the original you would know that I shouldn't have rushed it. Personally, during the months after I originally posted it I've grown more strongly for this topic as it is something I feel should be addressed. Although I don't usually like putting my own personal views in these fics as I'm not writing about myself. But I made an exception.
> 
> I have edited this tons and while I'm not as proud of it as I want to be (I kinda wanted people to cry) I'm happier than I was before. Also I really wanna apologize about my lack of knowledge about lung cancer! Please please correct me if I'm wrong!
> 
> Also as always @Serpex was my lovely partner in this prompt so please check out her amazing contribution if you haven't already.


End file.
